so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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