Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
