I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
