loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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