I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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