I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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