Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
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There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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