matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
