Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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