i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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