Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
