I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
