I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We're too hungover to prance.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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