i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
