I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
