He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
