Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
