i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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