The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
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me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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