i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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