I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
