sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
