got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
