I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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