Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
