Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
