Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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