so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
