i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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