so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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