you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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