Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
