Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Found the puke drawer
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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