i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
