you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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