On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
