Welp...herpes.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
