You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I would ride that face into the sunset
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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