i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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