I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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