I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
