I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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