I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
