New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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