Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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