i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
