there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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