Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
