You're earring is so big in my mouth
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
