There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
