Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
