We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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