I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
