I got chris browned last night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
