they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I die, sorry about rent.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
