So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
