a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
