I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
